So, I had another major blow out today. I seem to be learning a lot about myself through my behavior with twitter.
Today I leaned that a lot of my negative feelings can be attributed to abandonment and inferiority issues.
Yes, yes, I know there are people out there who have it worse. So what if all of the people I got close to in my childhood left for one reason or another. So what? I was never bullied. I was never abused…well, except one friend. Doesn’t mean it’s easy to deal with. As a child I didn’t understand that people leaving your life was just something that happened – people come and go – so I felt it was my fault. Together with my dad’s reactions to mistakes we’d make and the pity people impressed upon me for being a ‘special’ child made it harder to understand that I wasn’t getting punished for being imperfect.
Anyway, this is why I’m addicted to facebook and twitter. If I’m getting likes, retweets, encouragement that means I’m doing life right, right? I won’t be alone as long as I’m getting a positive responses, right? I’ve put my twitter on hold for a while, waiting for things to die down a bit after tweeting about a horrible day that really wasn’t that horrible. I also just want to stay away – better I abandon them before they abandon me, right? Those two friends who I was making videos with? Yeah, feel like they’re not talking to me as much. Neither is the first person who spoke to me. Doesn’t help.
I feel things have gotten a loooot worse since my boyfriend is over seas. I went through these issues while we were first dating. He was pretty horrible for leaving me alone on facebook without saying good bye or not checking his phone, leaving me waiting at the train station for half an hour because he couldn’t manage his time. He’s an only child and he didn’t have any friends in high school to attend to, I understood that which is probably why I waited. No doubt he’s better than he was but, gees, it amazes me that we have something more than just a ‘routine’ type relationship.
It’s true, I always had my sister to turn to but things were…different with her. She didn’t really have a choice. And then she left for high school. Buy the time I was in high school too the damage had been done. Seemed like puberty had loosened the seams of our relationship too. We’re still really close but, as is tradition, she’s left me too – living 4 starts away.
What I’d really love is someone I can talk to at any moment. One of those best friends that just kicks, one that’s willing to drop anything and come running when you need help, someone who’ll talk to you everyday and it’ll never get boring….Fat chance! Man that hurts. But, fuck it, I’m an adult. Gotta bottle up all those feelings till you explode, right? Yeah, bottle that shit.
I always feel really ashamed when I have one of these blow outs. I don’t have a horrible life. Every thing that ~seems~ depressing is nothing in comparison to starving, aids ridden kinds in Africa sold into sexual slavery. Fuck! I’m just some attention spoiled white kid who didn’t quite get everything they wanted, right?
I’ll tell you another story that confuses me. When I was 12 my parents called me an my sister into the living room and told us they were splitting for a while. After my sister and I went into her room and talked about it. Sister was shaken. I didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t surprised. Some of my friends had divorced parents, it was just something that was done these days. I’m not sure if I understood what not having Dad around would’ve been like. Looking back, I’m glad I wasn’t upset but is this a natural response? Probably not.
I suppose I should touch on the inferiority thing. One of my most prominent memories from my first year of grade one was having to relay a message from a teacher. I was excited, it was an honor. She’d chose me! But halfway across the hall I would forget the message…It happened so many times she told me not to worry and got someone else to do it. I needed reading help from that year till year 5. Despite being a year older than all the other children I was barely average. In year 3 I wet myself in class because I didn’t know that I didn’t have to ask the teacher for permission. That about covers the things I can remember. I can’t research for sheit which makes my projects inferior.
The whole incident today began with my boyfriend. He never says he loves me, he never says he misses me specifically, he says he’s coming back but only for a little while, and yet he expects me to wait until he comes back to decide whether this is right?! From the moment we started dating he’s been leaving me behind. I don’t want to be dragged like this anymore.