Well, things have been…okay. Strange and really quite trying but okay. I have this weird complex where, if something goes wrong in the life of someone else I feel like it’s my fault. I also get hyper sensitive of people’s reactions to things that I say and do. It seems to get worse the more I talk to people. And I’ve been talking to people on twitter a lot lately.
So, what does this mean, exactly? I have a few theories as to why I start to feel like I cause everything wrong to happen
1) Daughter Guilt. When we were kids dad used to be worse than he is now. His way of dealing with stress is to work himself to the bone, skip to conclusions and generally make us feel guilty for making mistakes. I suppose what I’m getting at is that me making mistakes then made me feel like I was worrying him and ruining his life.
2) Inadequacy friendships. I never really made friends in primary school. I made one in first grade but we talked all through class so I never learned anything and had to be kept back (or so they say). My next long running friend seemed rather abusive. Looking back on it she mustn’t have been too bad but my strongest memories are of her yelling at me till I’m in tears. There was that time her mouse ran away when she tried to hand it to me too. Aside from that I made friends who always seemed to move away within a few years of knowing them. And then there was the group that started to get bitchy as the parents of our ‘leader’ (who was my best friend) began their divorce. The years I didn’t make friends were the best, guilt free years I had…except for the teacher’s pity. They already had to work hard to teach me and now they had to encourage me to be sociable.
But I suppose everyone goes through that one and worse in their school years. The first theory seems the more plausible.
3) Pessimism. This one’s more far fetch and probably just a figment of my over active imagination. It was a snipit of a documentary on pessimism that planted the seed for this ‘theory’ (more like delusion). They did and experiment on what would happen if 7 pessimists started to used positive thinking exercises. The experiment claimed that after a week less bad things were happening to these people on a daily, weekly basis….And, no this theory isn’t that I’m pessimistic so I’m just noticing more bad things. The theory is more about – wait for it – world flow. D: I suppose this idea also has roots in those ‘Be positive, believe in yourself!’ motivational posters…and anime. The idea is that the world around these people was genuinely reshaping itself to suit how these people saw it. Some people have what I like to call a ‘bipolar’ life: they get the worst and the best of things. So why couldn’t that be the same for me?
There are two strains to this theory: That it’s my ~belief~ that causes bad things to happen to other people or that I have some kind of way to induce bipolarism. Both are equally as stupid but, as mentioned before, I have an over active imagination. The guilt of it being the belief that causes ill fate adds greatly to the guilt I already feel because I can’t seem to stop believing.
In truth, part of me kind of likes the idea of being able to effect other people’s lives by doing nothing. It’s enchanting that something that I’ve dreamed up myself could be real. It’s the same with the number games. Since I was young I had this idea that 4 was the perfect number – two partners, no one goes lonely but it’s not too crowded – and that 7 was the number of God. Seeing those numbers comforted me. I started noticing them everywhere which made me think that they were watching over me. It’s been a similar story with the ’69’ joke the goes on in some let’s play circles. I was seeing it everywhere so I thought it must be following me, that the community had my back. It wasn’t the joke that I was worried about but that that number represented a community that I felt vaguely accepted in.
And then there’s my story characters, romances and story lines seeming to appear in real life books. A long time ago I figured this must just be because we’re at a point in humanity where there are no new ideas. You can put them together in different ways and make it ~look~ new but there are always similarities and certain ‘tropes’ are always popular.
So, I suppose even if it’s the first theory or something I’m not experienced enough to see yet the one I’ll probably always believe, for better or for worse, is the last one. Is that what you call irony? Or a paradox? Sad truth is, no matter the consequences, the way I see my life will always be bent to the will of my imagination. I try to keep a rational view of things but there’s always that other self who’s a little too emotional whispering things I’d rather not hear.
But that’s another story.
Best of luck