Agh gees.

So, I had another major blow out today. I seem to be learning a lot about myself through my behavior with twitter.

Today I leaned that a lot of my negative feelings can be attributed to abandonment and inferiority issues.

Yes, yes, I know there are people out there who have it worse. So what if all of the people I got close to in my childhood left for one reason or another. So what? I was never bullied. I was never abused…well, except one friend. Doesn’t mean it’s easy to deal with. As a child I didn’t understand that people leaving your life was just something that happened – people come and go – so I felt it was my fault. Together with my dad’s reactions to mistakes we’d make and the pity people impressed upon me for being a ‘special’ child made it harder to understand that I wasn’t getting punished for being imperfect.

Anyway, this is why I’m addicted to facebook and twitter. If I’m getting likes, retweets, encouragement that means I’m doing life right, right? I won’t be alone as long as I’m getting a positive responses, right? I’ve put my twitter on hold for a while, waiting for things to die down a bit after tweeting about a horrible day that really wasn’t that horrible. I also just want to stay away – better I abandon them before they abandon me, right? Those two friends who I was making videos with? Yeah, feel like they’re not talking to me as much. Neither is the first person who spoke to me. Doesn’t help.

I feel things have gotten a loooot worse since my boyfriend is over seas. I went through these issues while we were first dating. He was pretty horrible for leaving me alone on facebook without saying good bye or not checking his phone, leaving me waiting at the train station for half an hour because he couldn’t manage his time. He’s an only child and he didn’t have any friends in high school to attend to, I understood that which is probably why I waited. No doubt he’s better than he was but, gees, it amazes me that we have something more than just a ‘routine’ type relationship.

It’s true, I always had my sister to turn to but things were…different with her. She didn’t really have a choice. And then she left for high school. Buy the time I was in high school too the damage had been done. Seemed like puberty had loosened the seams of our relationship too. We’re still really close but, as is tradition, she’s left me too – living 4 starts away.

What I’d really love is someone I can talk to at any moment. One of those best friends that just kicks, one that’s willing to drop anything and come running when you need help, someone who’ll talk to you everyday and it’ll never get boring….Fat chance! Man that hurts. But, fuck it, I’m an adult. Gotta bottle up all those feelings till you explode, right? Yeah, bottle that shit.

I always feel really ashamed when I have one of these blow outs. I don’t have a horrible life. Every thing that ~seems~ depressing is nothing in comparison to starving, aids ridden kinds in Africa sold into sexual slavery. Fuck! I’m just some attention spoiled white kid who didn’t quite get everything they wanted, right?

I’ll tell you another story that confuses me. When I was 12 my parents called me an my sister into the living room and told us they were splitting for a while. After my sister and I went into her room and talked about it. Sister was shaken. I didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t surprised. Some of my friends had divorced parents, it was just something that was done these days. I’m not sure if I understood what not having Dad around would’ve been like. Looking back, I’m glad I wasn’t upset but is this a natural response? Probably not.

I suppose I should touch on the inferiority thing. One of my most prominent memories from my first year of grade one was having to relay a message from a teacher. I was excited, it was an honor. She’d chose me! But halfway across the hall I would forget the message…It happened so many times she told me not to worry and got someone else to do it. I needed reading help from that year till year 5. Despite being a year older than all the other children I was barely average. In year 3 I wet myself in class because I didn’t know that I didn’t have to ask the teacher for permission. That about covers the things I can remember. I can’t research for sheit which makes my projects inferior.

The whole incident today began with my boyfriend. He never says he loves me, he never says he misses me specifically, he says he’s coming back but only for a little while, and yet he expects me to wait until he comes back to decide whether this is right?! From the moment we started dating he’s been leaving me behind. I don’t want to be dragged like this anymore.

Coincidence. Is it a sign?

And thus we fall further down the rabbit hole.

I’ve mentioned before about my potential insanity when it comes to the imagination crossing over into real life. I can’t remember if I mentioned the roll this plays in books. I probably have.

Anyway, I recently started reading a book that has a few key points in the beginning that are very similar to things that happened in someone’s life. I won’t mention them here (even though I’m dying to) just in case this gets through. I have the same name here as my twitter so it’s possible. Anyway, these few things made me think ‘Is this really them or is this just my brain seeing more connections and jumping to conclusions?’

This used to happen a lot when I was reading books. I’d see my characters in other books. Eventually I put this down to popular stories being repeated, popular characters people can identify with. So then is this just me regurgitating the mainstream ideas? Or are they somehow ingrained in our psyche?

The next questions is ‘does it even matter?’ It doesn’t really but the fact that my brain notices certain connections and links them as more than coincidence get’s very frustrating. It happens a lot in ‘real life’ too especially with people I’ve seen walking on the street…especially with attractive people <.< As an example, I was walking in the city today. I say and attractive guy crossing the street. I had thought he was going in a different direction but two seconds later he was sitting on a bench on the way to my destination. I get to where I’m going. Go up. Wait around for 10 minutes and what do you know? He comes through the elevator and sits where I had been sitting. This can be extremely awkward when I’ve made passing eye contact with this person.

Or like when I did this short 2 day barista course. First the only seat for an attractive guy to sit in is next to me. Whether because of me or because he’s just that way he fidgets like crazy. While handing in out paper work I stand in line next to a bout and thing ‘huh, he’s not to bad’. The next day he has the practice coffee machine next to mine and we’re paired together for the ‘customer’ exercise.

And that’s just three examples. Call me paranoid but it shits me. It really does. It’s like a carrot in front of a donkey. It happens with regular people but not as much.

Aaaaanyway, I’ve gotten off track. There’s no doubt that my brain has developed ways to accentuate these coincidence. The questions are:

– is this just my brain entertaining itself in fantasy

– is my brain right in thinking that these are more than coincidences? signs?

– is something happening three times enough for it to be more than just coincidence?

I was also thinking about the nature of insanity and the conscious. The brain can’t comprehend everything at once – it’s just not practical from an evolutionary stand point – so what if they’re noticing the things the rest of us don’t, the connections between events, the steps between the assumptions we make about a person or object?

But this is all just hapless ramblings. Another coincidence/ sign is how often the things I plan to do with people fail, how often they fall on hard time when they talk to me. As I’ve mentioned before, this is probably just a bigone emotions of a father’s inability to control his worry. But still, as I’ve also mentioned my brain can’t live in the real…

I’ll end this post by saying that I hope my twitter followers don’t succumb to whatever weird aura draining/ ying yang/ energy draining thing I seem to emit. I also hope that this won’t affect any of my future occupations but the effect it has on my friends is, admittedly, more important to me than what I have on a business, hence the reason I want to work for myself.

Anyway, that was a bit more rambling than I wanted it to be. Never mind, it’s out of my head and on the page for someone to see. Part of me thinks that if I write it all down someone else will see it and all this bad luck will disappear.

 

Promises you can/’t keep

Ahh dear. So I was on twitter at 2am last night. Turns out that’s a bad idea. I made a promise to become an lper that ‘educates, who doesn’t just show the game’. That’s pretty big talk considering I know just about as much about video/computer games as a piece of toast. I’m reminded of Moist von Ludwig – make one promise and you’ll make another and before you know it it’s snowballed out of control. Hopefully I can pull through like he did. I can’t say I’m anywhere near as intelligent? Sly? Resourceful as he is. Well, I don’t have much experience using the resources offered to me.

One of my biggest dreams is to become a fanatic. I find it really hard to keep any kind of enthusiasm for a long period of time. I have a a feeling it’s because I go to hard to fast and wear myself out. I’m hoping that won’t happen with my youtube channel. I tend to find that I get bored with something quicker if I only have the one thing. My plan, there fore, is to have more than just video/pc games. But will that wear me out quicker?

I want to make a video later about my plans for the channel. I have a few followers on twitter who’ve been encouraging me to start and now I’ve said this so it’d be common courtesy. I think I want to list them here just in case I forget or don’t get around to making the video today.

– Book first impression and last impressions.

– Story ideas

– Game first and progressive impressions

– Drawings, paintings etc

-General vloging

The biggest thing I think I’m afraid of is that people would like what I have to offer. I feel a little better after writing this.

Edit: So. I still haven’t gotten round to doing this. Since I wrote this draft I’ve had a few more moments like this one.  I went on a crazy feminist raid about how certain women lpers not being ‘nerds’, which was a horrible time because I don’t know much about them and I’m not a nerd myself. It was fueled by another one of my twitter friends who doesn’t seem to have had as much exposure to quality female lpers or women in general. We organized to maybe have me on her stream but, well, then she got badly sick….which seems to be a theme as you’ll see. Then I missed a week of her streams because I had a crazy busy week but that’s for another post.

I also made a pact to do some pre-recorded lps with two of my followers. These didn’t happen because one of them was sick on the day and the other’s grandfather is in a pretty bad way. But that’s not the end of it. I went a little crazy that day. All the spam, all the stress was pretty inconsiderate for the other two. To make matters worse I kept pushing the one who’s grandfather is sick about how his grandfather was. Gosh! Such a moron.

I realized after I made I giant rant about how ‘they’re ignoring me’ that it was me doing the ignoring. Since I went so crazy spammy I felt that if I talked to them again the same beast would rise from tepid the waters of my psyche. I was frustrated and angry at myself to holding back and I was angry at them for not taking the first step in talking to me.

It also reafirm that I have abandonment issues. Someone I’m close doesn’t talk to me for a day and I think I’ve done something wrong.   It’s happened with a few people on twitter already but having them both not talk to me at the same time…I suppose it really opened my eyes to the fact I have a real problem.

I won’t be posting the original rant because it’s self centered and pointless. Luckily, the guys are still willing to record something. We’re hoping to do it today (touch wood).

Anyway, I have another one of these to write today so I’ll post and get on with things.

Thanks for being my blog.

Ris

What’s been going on?

Hiya,

Well, things have been…okay. Strange and really quite trying but okay. I have this weird complex where, if something goes wrong in the life of someone else I feel like it’s my fault. I also get hyper sensitive of people’s reactions to things that I say and do. It seems to get worse the more I talk to people. And I’ve been talking to people on twitter a lot lately. 

So, what does this mean, exactly? I have a few theories as to why I start to feel like I cause everything wrong to happen

1) Daughter Guilt. When we were kids dad used to be worse than he is now. His way of dealing with stress is to work himself to the bone, skip to conclusions and generally make us feel guilty for making mistakes. I suppose what I’m getting at is that me making mistakes then made me feel like I was worrying him and ruining his life.

2) Inadequacy friendships. I never really made friends in primary school. I made one in first grade but we talked all through class so I never learned anything and had to be kept back (or so they say). My next long running friend seemed rather abusive. Looking back on it she mustn’t have been too bad but my strongest memories are of her yelling at me till I’m in tears. There was that time her mouse ran away when she tried to hand it to me too. Aside from that I made friends who always seemed to move away within a few years of knowing them. And then there was the group that started to get bitchy as the parents of our ‘leader’ (who was my best friend) began their divorce. The years I didn’t make friends were the best, guilt free years I had…except for the teacher’s pity. They already had to work hard to teach me and now they had to encourage me to be sociable.

But I suppose everyone goes through that one and worse in their school years. The first theory seems the more plausible.

3) Pessimism. This one’s more far fetch and probably just a figment of my over active imagination. It was a snipit of a documentary on pessimism that planted the seed for this ‘theory’ (more like delusion). They did and experiment on what would happen if 7 pessimists started to used positive thinking exercises. The experiment claimed that after a week less bad things were happening to these people on a daily, weekly basis….And, no this theory isn’t that I’m pessimistic so I’m just noticing more bad things. The theory is more about – wait for it – world flow. D: I suppose this idea also has roots in those ‘Be positive, believe in yourself!’ motivational posters…and anime. The idea is that the world around these people was genuinely reshaping itself to suit how these people saw it. Some people have what I like to call a ‘bipolar’ life: they get the worst and the best of things. So why couldn’t that be the same for me? 

There are two strains to this theory: That it’s my ~belief~ that causes bad things to happen to other people or that I have some kind of way to induce bipolarism. Both are equally as stupid but, as mentioned before, I have an over active imagination. The guilt of it being the belief that causes ill fate adds greatly to the guilt I already feel because I can’t seem to stop believing. 

In truth, part of me kind of likes the idea of being able to effect other people’s lives by doing nothing. It’s enchanting that something that I’ve dreamed up myself could be real. It’s the same with the number games. Since I was young I had this idea that 4 was the perfect number – two partners, no one goes lonely but it’s not too crowded – and that 7 was the number of God. Seeing those numbers comforted me. I started noticing them everywhere which made me think that they were watching over me. It’s been a similar story with the ’69’ joke the goes on in some let’s play circles. I was seeing it everywhere so I thought it must be following me, that the community had my back. It wasn’t the joke that I was worried about but that that number represented a community that I felt vaguely accepted in.

And then there’s my story characters, romances and story lines seeming to appear in real life books. A long time ago I figured this must just be because we’re at a point in humanity where there are no new ideas. You can put them together in different ways and make it ~look~ new but there are always similarities and certain ‘tropes’ are always popular. 

So, I suppose even if it’s the first theory or something I’m not experienced enough to see yet the one I’ll probably always believe, for better or for worse, is the last one. Is that what you call irony? Or a paradox?  Sad truth is, no matter the consequences, the way I see my life will always be bent to the will of my imagination. I try to keep a rational view of things but there’s always that other self who’s a little too emotional whispering things I’d rather not hear.

But that’s another story.

Best of luck

Ristro.  

My cons of daily lps and live streams

Let’s plays = videos where people play video or computer games. Sometimes more than one person is present. The ones I enjoy often have an element of explanation of the player’s actions.

Live stream = like live t.v. Watching real time footage.  Websites like  Twitch enable anyone with an account on that site to chat through text in a designated spot on the screen.

You might be happy to know that my ‘crush’ problem is somewhat dissipated. I still love live streams and daily let’s plays (here on lps)  but I’m starting to see a problem they pose for someone like me – regretfully unemployed and yearning for attention that gives purpose to existence. I suppose it’s also the poison in ‘hope’.

Let’s put it this way, I’m becoming addicted to these shows. I’m sure similar things happen with online games and other internet communities but I haven’t had any experience with those so I have no real authority to state an opinion. What I ~do~ know is that it’s getting harder and harder to stop watching and do things that I need to do.

The communities, fans and the people who make lps are usually wonderful, amazing, kind and generous people. This makes it easy to idolize them. When they mention you, talk to you or even share the same opinion as you, you can start to get lost in it. It gives you that happy feeling of being accepted, that you matter, that you can do what they’re doing because you’ve got one opinion that they share…And then you make another comment and wait. Before you know it the whole day’s passed and you haven’t done anything. You feel like you’ve said something wrong or that you need to try harder to be ‘one of them’.

This and the next point probably contribute to why my crush is being, well, crushed. It takes a lot of emotional energy to wait for rectification like that and, although a random wouldn’t just get magically accepted into a tight knit community like many of these are, it still kind of feels like rejection. It’s irrational but hope isn’t always rational.

As I’ve mentioned before (I think), seeing someone in person is very different to knowing ~of~ them. Watching someone on t.v. or on the internet is different to knowing them in person (of course). When you don’t know them personally it’s easy to forget their faults and to make believe that you’ll get on like a house on fire, all will be eses and gees, you’ll be soul mates. If you make some kind of small contact with that person or someone near them that brings you ~this much~ closer to making your dream/ fantasies come true. Often that dream isn’t really worth it. I have to keep reminding myself that these are people with faults that I might not be able to handle if I met them. They are not perfect, they don’t really have life figured out and, although they’re wonderful people, I can’t let myself get carried away on a dream.

The temptation of daily content and live streams that last for hours at a time don’t help my inner struggles. Although the people I follow aren’t perfect I want to support them and watching videos, subscribing and giving encouragement are all good ways to do this. But, like commenting and waiting for a reply, watching videos takes up a looot of time. Especially when you’re subscribed to as many channels or more as I am. And it seems like a convenient way to pass the time while you’re waiting for someone to reply to your comment. If there’s any lesson to be learned here it’s to keep track of how much time you’re investing. It can be hard when they’re asking you to subscribe and like at the end of any video when you want to help them and you don’t ~need~ too do anything else today.

What else did I want to mention? I know that these communities and schedules are good for some people. Video Games Awesome was one of my first experiences with lps. Sometimes they open mail from fans on the show. There’ve been quite a few letters from fans who are pretty well bed ridden thanking the hosts and the chat for supporting them and being such a positive influence. Heck, they probably motivate these kinds of people to get up and go places where as here I am on my butt. For another group watching someone else play a game you’re interested in but not quite excited for can be the thing that makes you buy that game. They’re also a pretty good way for someone interested in video games to learn a bit more about them. Or parents wanting to get a game for their kid and look it up and see if it’s right…Not all lper’s are as educational or professional as some of the ones I watch but you get the idea.

People like me who have a known addiction with social media already should be careful. I’m used to going through my facebook news feed and reading everything. It’s just not possible with lps because many of them are 20 + minutes long. You see where I’m coming from. If this were a constructive hobby I wouldn’t be berating myself like so much but, no, all I do is sit on my ass and ruin my back and eyes.

This raises the question as to how you prevent people like me getting so absorbed in the lp universe or even just the internet. Is it the responsibility of the lper or the person watching? Should there be a screening process before someone is allowed on websites like this? Well, they don’t do that for tv so why should they for the internet?….But you ~do~ get a lot of idiots on the internet commenting and trolling where they’re not welcome…Ahg, who am I kidding. I’d like to think that it’s my own responsibility to get out of this cycle but if there was anything they could do to make it less… tempting or more exclusive that would be nice. There are probably channels out there that do. That’s probably half the reason I like VGA. I love those guys but I haven’t felt the temptation to become quite as obsessed with watching their shows every day and every stream.

And there’s another thing. Live streams. Some of them aren’t on a regular schedule and a lot of them are in the US so getting to see one can feel like a victory against the winds of fate. I really don’t know why I feel this way about them. There might also be an idea that it’s more pure than a posted video; you get to see it warts and all but whatever.

Anyway I’ve gone on way too long again. Let’s keep this post untagged like the rest of them and hope no one finds it, ey? I probably raise some good points but I’m too lazy to edit and before you know it I’ll delete it because I’m embarrassed or feel like I’ll offend someone. I really have no authority on any subject  because my brain can’t absorb information and I can’t research or nuts but that’s another blog post in the making.

Anyway, happy new year and all that 🙂