The trouble with not knowing

Seems to me people have different ways of dealing with that feeling of being totally adrift in a sea of possibilities. Some people research all the possibilities so that they can choose the right one for them. Some people put all their eggs into one basket, diving into the one option and accepting the possibility that it may fail. Some people just seem to choose the right one on a whim.

And then there  are people like me…We’re toe dippers. We’re not really comfortable or don’t have the patience with research so we research all the possibilities just a little and try all of them …just a little. This way we don’t have to fully commit until we’re absolutely sure we won’t regret passing up a ‘better’ option. It’s not so bad when someone else is telling me what to do – if things go wrong the responsibility feels more like a team burden – but when I have to make decisions for myself things get tricky. There are so many possibility.

I’m sure everyone in there life has experienced months where there’s no real direction and you’ve completed all the goals you set at the beginning – the possible ones anyway. You start to think of things to ‘fill the void’ or ‘heal the feeling of complete uselessness’. This can be troublesome if you’re a toe dipper because you never really accumplish anything. You end up with lots of parts but nothing complete.

So far I have quite a few things on my ‘started to do’ list and some on my ‘I’ll do them later when I ~really~ have nothing to do’ (which is silly because all I do is watch and sleep). I suppose I have the same attitude towards money. There’s always that ‘just in case’ mentality. I’m not a physical hoarder but I am one for ideas. And they just keep multiplying. As soon as I’ve tried one thing I get another idea but I already have ten so I’ll get around to it later.

This blog is definitely one of those things. I’ve tried starting blogs before. I always find it hard to stay on track because I feel that my ideas are basic at best but I read once getting your ideas out there can be therapeutic so my brain has filed it under ‘possible for healing’ even though it hasn’t worked before. A proper blog is a big commitment which is probably why I’ve always failed – How can you commit to one thing when you have some many others on the go?

I’m also in the process of drawing a series. I’m enjoying it immensely but I reached the next stage. My foots nearly all the way in the water so I’m getting cold feet (or foot). Same goes for fan art, etsy and making tiny hats – started but may never finish.

Not to mention the ideas of starting my own website, doing freelance work, opening up for commissions, getting a photo scanner/ printer to make my own prints, writing stories, getting my other computer fixed, building a new computer, going to the dentist, going to the doctor, getting new clothes for interviews, fruit picking, volunteering somewhere; cleaning the light fixtures, walls, windows or throwing everything out the window by hopping on a plane to see my boyfriend. There’s more but the list is too long for me to remember.

All of these probably sound like good ideas. I’ve done a bit of research on all of them but I’m terrible at research as it is. Being a ‘diver’ might be better but I’m likely to chicken out unless someone else dives with me. All those scary ways that it could fall apart and me with so little experience to handle them.

Eh, who am I kidding. Everyone tries things that fail and it can be rare that you just slide into place without a few other options behind you. Everyone encounters indecision. I suppose the point of this post is how do you make that decision? How do you sit comfortably with the path you choose? How do you commit when you have any doubts at all?

Hopefully I’ll find out my answer before I go completely mental but, as always, it takes time. Even though our western world is sped up time still stays, more or less, constant…There maybe be the issue of the extra second every year but that’s a different story.

But I should really stop before I get into something ~too~philosophical or damning like politics.

Oh yeah. That’s another one on the list: making my mascot.  -.- *sigh*




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