Can’t sleep. Dreams will eat me.

First off Merry Christmas and to all a good day 🙂

With that out of the way it’s 1.51am and I can’t sleep because my imagination is running me ragged. Seems like I’ve always had a pretty wild imagination but right now it’s sending me a little nuts.

You ever had one of those irrationally strong crushes on an actor or a story character? Lordy I’m hating them right now. Why can I not obsess over anything other than people I find attractive? I’ve always been a bit jealous of nerds and geeks because they can remember so much about things and become absorbed in something. But then there’s me, creepy stalker me who’s tempted to send just one fan email…and I forgot something so I’d better send another one…but, wait, now I have this great picture I drew of this person in this movie and I’m sure they’d be thrilled to see it. And so on.

Luckily I’ve managed to stop myself from doing this…which is why I’m writing this blog – to convince myself that writing anything else is a baaad idea. I’d usually post on Facebook or Twitter but I’m starting to see that as a horrid downward spiral to ‘You know what, everybody? I really like *blank*. He’s so funny and smart and I find him kind of attractive and the numbers all add up!’ Never a good idea, ladies and gentlemen. One way ticket to sleeping with a life sized pillow and hiding in bushes. Not to mention I’m in a long distance relationship which makes me feel really guilty for thinking that ‘such and such’ is so dreamy among other things <.<

Seriously, how do other fan girls live with themselves and stay sane? I’ve only had feelings this strong a few times and they usually fade after a while so I’m a bit inexperienced. I kind of doubt other fan girls would have the ‘numbers’ infatuation, though. I really hope they change by tomorrow. My number is 4. I notice 4’s. My current boyfriend had a range of 4’s around him so up until tonight I was saying ‘don’t worry, *blank* doesn’t really have any 4’s’ but tonight I’ve started seeing them. I really hope I stop noticing them tomorrow and beyond.

Um, I suppose this is just a rant post today. Felt I needed to get it off my chest. To follow up my comment about ‘only being obsessed with people’ I’ve had crushes, minor and ones like this, ever since I was 3. In grade 12 I had a crush in every class. Agh.


Crushes and people obsessions are nothing but dreams, really. You don’t know that person directly and you generally only see good things about them to it’s easy to make them into some kind of god. Not to mention not having my boyfriend around makes me feel really lonely…

Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions on how to get over someone quick I’d love to know. It’s not good for me or them or anyone around me. Floating on air is nice but feet should be on the ground.


I’ll try to write a proper Christmas post tomorrow or when the rest of the world catches up.



The trouble with not knowing

Seems to me people have different ways of dealing with that feeling of being totally adrift in a sea of possibilities. Some people research all the possibilities so that they can choose the right one for them. Some people put all their eggs into one basket, diving into the one option and accepting the possibility that it may fail. Some people just seem to choose the right one on a whim.

And then there  are people like me…We’re toe dippers. We’re not really comfortable or don’t have the patience with research so we research all the possibilities just a little and try all of them …just a little. This way we don’t have to fully commit until we’re absolutely sure we won’t regret passing up a ‘better’ option. It’s not so bad when someone else is telling me what to do – if things go wrong the responsibility feels more like a team burden – but when I have to make decisions for myself things get tricky. There are so many possibility.

I’m sure everyone in there life has experienced months where there’s no real direction and you’ve completed all the goals you set at the beginning – the possible ones anyway. You start to think of things to ‘fill the void’ or ‘heal the feeling of complete uselessness’. This can be troublesome if you’re a toe dipper because you never really accumplish anything. You end up with lots of parts but nothing complete.

So far I have quite a few things on my ‘started to do’ list and some on my ‘I’ll do them later when I ~really~ have nothing to do’ (which is silly because all I do is watch and sleep). I suppose I have the same attitude towards money. There’s always that ‘just in case’ mentality. I’m not a physical hoarder but I am one for ideas. And they just keep multiplying. As soon as I’ve tried one thing I get another idea but I already have ten so I’ll get around to it later.

This blog is definitely one of those things. I’ve tried starting blogs before. I always find it hard to stay on track because I feel that my ideas are basic at best but I read once getting your ideas out there can be therapeutic so my brain has filed it under ‘possible for healing’ even though it hasn’t worked before. A proper blog is a big commitment which is probably why I’ve always failed – How can you commit to one thing when you have some many others on the go?

I’m also in the process of drawing a series. I’m enjoying it immensely but I reached the next stage. My foots nearly all the way in the water so I’m getting cold feet (or foot). Same goes for fan art, etsy and making tiny hats – started but may never finish.

Not to mention the ideas of starting my own website, doing freelance work, opening up for commissions, getting a photo scanner/ printer to make my own prints, writing stories, getting my other computer fixed, building a new computer, going to the dentist, going to the doctor, getting new clothes for interviews, fruit picking, volunteering somewhere; cleaning the light fixtures, walls, windows or throwing everything out the window by hopping on a plane to see my boyfriend. There’s more but the list is too long for me to remember.

All of these probably sound like good ideas. I’ve done a bit of research on all of them but I’m terrible at research as it is. Being a ‘diver’ might be better but I’m likely to chicken out unless someone else dives with me. All those scary ways that it could fall apart and me with so little experience to handle them.

Eh, who am I kidding. Everyone tries things that fail and it can be rare that you just slide into place without a few other options behind you. Everyone encounters indecision. I suppose the point of this post is how do you make that decision? How do you sit comfortably with the path you choose? How do you commit when you have any doubts at all?

Hopefully I’ll find out my answer before I go completely mental but, as always, it takes time. Even though our western world is sped up time still stays, more or less, constant…There maybe be the issue of the extra second every year but that’s a different story.

But I should really stop before I get into something ~too~philosophical or damning like politics.

Oh yeah. That’s another one on the list: making my mascot.  -.- *sigh*



Christmas Party and Bad chicken :S


So, two …things have happened since I started this blog that are out of the ordinary.

1) I went to a Christmas party

2) I got food poisoning -.-

There’s also the situation of procrastination but that’s an ongoing issue.

I’ll start with the food poisoning just because, you know, Christmas is more positive. Why do I have to mention it then?…You have a good point…Because it’s something that happened and I feel like I should remember things that are not frequent in happening (English, what?) so that I remember that life is not all about sitting at the computer watching Let’s Plays and reading twitter.

I suppose I don’t have much to say about it anyway. My only advice is, don’t eat chicken from a girl that looks like you’re wasting and then smiles when she hands it to you….Alright, that’s a bit paranoid ;p But it was probably a bit of an omen. It was also the first time I’d realized that pounding sinuses coupled with shoulder and neck pain could be a sign that you have food poisoning.

Luckily it only lasted one night so no complaints there :p But it did mean that I felt too sick to job search on the Tuesday <.<

Onwards to Christmas!!

The Christmas party was on the Saturday night (5 days ago). I got all dressed up in Christmas spirit and made white chocolate and crandberry cookies. I’ll probably post some pictures at the bottom of the page. Anyway, it was really great to get out of the house and see friends I hadn’t seen for months. We’d tried to have a ‘get2gether’ last month but…well…only 3 of us turned up and there are about 17 of us in that group <.<

But yes, everyone bought something to share. There were cupcakes with christmas tree icing and cheese cake brownies and mudcake and a cobb loaf and home made mini quiches. :9 There were board games and secret Santa and I got shot glasses, chopsticks and a bottle cord…The presents were completely random so that doesn’t say anything about me…<.< …>.> What else? Conversations about walking dead and jokes about the French and Australians. There was more but that’ll do for now 




So, that’s that then. First post done and dusted….I’ve been meaning to post this for the last 2 days but, yeah. Done. Successfully completed a goal 🙂

Goal setting is a good way to raise the confidence, yes?

Now to apply for jobs and make myself a porcupine mascot. Woo!